So it’s been a little over a year since I left for Granada. I remember how terrified I was, even though I’d traveled to other countries alone numerous times and had survived. It was just something about Spain, it seemed so intimidating. And it was intimidating.
But I survived, mostly. My landlord stole my laptop (and my father’s) the last day we were in Granada. My flights got fucked up and I had to spend a night in JFK, sleeping on a bench. I ate too much Nutella. But I came out the other end of it having learned a lot about myself and other people.
This is the part where I should tell you how much studying abroad changed me and made me grow up and widen my worldview. In all honesty, it didn’t happen. I’ve come to learn that growing up is just becoming more yourself, figuring out who you are and what you want and how you want to behave. I did a lot of that in Spain. I became myself, more than I was before.
And my worldview, well, it was already pretty wide. People are people, wherever you go. They want health and love and good fortune. They just want to have a good day and maybe have a stranger compliment their shoes every once in a while and have a good meal at least once daily. Most things people do are driven by their desire to be happy and healthy. I’m not trying to be reductive in saying this, merely trying to explain that at our cores we really are all the same. As Regina Spektor said, “people are just people, people are just people like you.”
So that’s what I did, I guess. I started figuring myself out a little and figuring out other people. I learned that I like balsamic vinegar and olive oil on my salad. I’ll eat grapefruit, but only if it’s paired with avocado. I learned that maybe the best way to be happy is to eat breakfast for dinner with your friends and cuddle on the couch afterwards to watch a movie.
I still talk to Morgane and Julien on Skype occasionally. I miss them both fiercely. I miss waking up with the sun and standing out on the balcony, watching the day get started. I miss seeing the mountains when I’m walking to school. I miss tapas. I miss Granada but I don’t want to go back. You can’t step in the same river twice.
Recently I broke up with the guy I was falling in love with while I was in Spain. Ending that relationship almost felt like shaking off the last vestiges of my life there, even though he was in Greensboro when I was in Granada.
Since coming back I’ve been working on meeting more people and attempting to become a more socially functional person. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Dealing with my inability to speak to an attractive man in a coherent manner is my next goal. I get all awkward and stammer-y and I have no idea why. It’s not an attractive look.
So that’s really what life after Spain has been like. Just school, boyfriend, then no more boyfriend, friends, and riding my bike. I’m glad I went, but I’m happy I’m home.
I’ll be back in the States in three weeks and it’s gotten me thinking about my experience here and how it’s affected me. Ruminating might be a better word; I have been ruminating on my time in Spain.
If there is one thing that I would like people to know about me it is that I am content to be alone. Of course, nothing makes me happier than being with the people I love, but sometimes I am the best company that I could ask for. Being here has further cemented that idea in my mind. This isn’t to say that I don’t have friends here or that I spent all of my time alone; rather, it means that I spend time with my Spain friends when I want to and enjoy being alone in this amazing country.
At the end of May I went to the Primavera Sound music festival in Barcelona. It was three nights of some of my favorite bands and it was a fantastic experience. Thing is, I separated from my travel buddies within an hour of being at Primavera. They wanted to do MDMA and coke and I wanted to be front row at all of my favorite bands’ shows. I don’t begrudge them this nor do I judge them for it; we just wanted different things out of the festival. It turned out to be a good thing. At the Flaming Lips show on the first night I met some cool guys who introduced me to their friends and I hung out with them for the rest of the festival. It was great— they were just as excited about the music as I was and they introduced me to some new bands. Barcelona was, of course, beautiful and intoxicating and all of the other hyperbolic adjectives. It was so amazing that people spoke Catalan and Spanish and English, sometimes all at once. Catalan is like if French and Portuguese had a baby and that baby procreated with Spanish. It’s confusing and beautiful and people from the area are so fucking proud of it.
Coming to Spain has been such an intensely frustrating experience. Between school, my apartment, and the ridiculous southern Spanish accent, each day has had its share of difficulties. And yeah, those things sucked, but the beauty of this city and the experiences I had here more than made up for any difficulties.
If someone asked me “what did you do in Spain?” and I could only say one thing, I would say that I fell in love. With this city, with walking everywhere, with the European lifestyle, with a man who is thousands of miles away, with the first glimpse of the Mediterranean after coming down out of the mountains, with the view of Granada from the Alhambra, with the simple joy of receiving a letter in the mail. Being away from the sights and people that I know and love has helped me to appreciate them so much more. At the same time I have come to appreciate life here and I know that I will miss it fiercely when I go back to the US.
I’ve learned so much about how to be a competent human being while I’ve been here; I can almost feel myself growing more mature with each passing day. Gross. I don’t want to grow up. It’s inevitable, though, and I’ve learned to embrace it. My experiences with people here have taught me how to be nice to people that I don’t really like (something that I am not always good at doing). I’ve also learned how to deal with my own shit more effectively and I must say that it feels good. Still: being an adult, ew.
The time here has also taught me about long distance relationships and how to conduct one in a way that won’t make its participants hate each other. My boy and I started dating before I left but things weren’t “official” until after I left, mostly because I said before I left that I didn’t want a long distance relationship. What I really meant was that I didn’t want a shitty one that tied us both down, and we were able to avoid that happening. In the past 4+ months we’ve conducted a relationship over the phone and Skype and through letters, which really sucks, but it’s better than nothing. We’ve learned so much more about each other and in the process I have come to feel more strongly about a man than I have since I was 17. I hate to say it, but that cliche is totally true. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I imagine I’d be even more fond of him had I been home for the past 4+ months, but that didn’t happen so it’s useless to speculate.
All I have left to do now is study for my remaining exam and get things ready for when my family comes. They will be here in less than two weeks! It’s so surreal; I’ve been on my own here for so long that seeing my family live and in the flesh in my temporary home will truly be a mindfuck. I am not big on the tears, but I can say with 95% certainty that I will cry when I see my family for the first time in 5 months and then my boyfriend a week later. 100% certainty goes to my airport reunion with the boyfriend (trite!).
But for these next two weeks I will study and get in one last beach trip. My freckles are so dark now that I hardly recognize myself. There are even some vaguely discernable tan lines in some areas— a rare thing indeed for someone of my skin color (the whitest shade of pale). I cannot wait to get home and see my friends and family, but I will use this last bit of time in Spain to its fullest by procrastinating, complaining about the heat (it was 100F today, no AC within a 1000 mile radius), and lounging around on the beach. It will be good. Being here has been such a blessing, one that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
